š In My Experienceā¦ Pattern Plotting
š In My Experienceā¦ Pattern Plotting
it's a full moon in scorpio š
Hi friends
I often make mention of āmy patternsā ā behaviors (usually unconscious, often culturally reinforced) that I developed to cope in life. They were likely helpful at some point in time. Now, they limit my full evolution and expression.
I wrote about perfectionism last newsletter. Ā Relatedly, as a kid, people-pleasing gained me praise (which I associated with love) ā this soothed my anxiety amidst much chaos. But, as an adult, putting otherās needs first is an ingrained but unnecessary habit that leads to exhaustion and resentment. Resentment became another pattern...Ā
Pattern Plotting could be the alternate name for this newsletter. Itās a term I learned from designer Bhagvati Khalsa that describes how, if we pay close attention, visual patterns we usually ignore can be witnessed all around us.
Similarly, I can learn to spot persistent habits that normally go unseen. I am searching for the patterns within me that are tangled and tight. Once plotted, I can gently unweave and reorder them into connection and beauty.
Here's today's question below. Happy plotting!
With love
Sebene
How do we know if we are in denial about aspects of our life?
Dear Seeking Self Awareness
Thank you for naming one of my biggest challenges. OOF. Your question speaks to me of the pattern plotting I named above. Thatās what Iām generally āin denial aboutā - my mf patterns! Other peopleās patterns can be obvious š... my own, not so much.
In my experience, while my patterns can be hard to identify, when I am able to plot them with clarity and compassion, when I release their distortions, when I reorder my patterns ā I find beauty .
For years, I had feelings of shame around uncovering my adverse traits, including those that were self-diminishing like insecurity. I was completely fine with uncovering the negative circumstances of my life ā all the childhood wounds and social injustices. Doing the work to understand those experiences, grieve the pain, and forgive the ignorances was vital to my self development. AND, I was less comfortable identifying and investigating the ways in which I perpetuate my own suffering and even inflict pain on others. I still am, somewhat. I can get defensive, be in denial.
Anyone who knows me even a little is well aware of my self-investigation addiction ā I love me a good self-typing system. And, I mostly witness my patterns through relationship. The mirrors of deep & honest friendships help me face what I have yet to acknowledge. Iāll never forget, while dating a foxy French guy in my twenties, the impact of both my best friends, Naomi and Peter, separately letting me know what a nightmare I was being ā obsessive, selfish, generally-not-a-good-friend. I was shocked that I did not notice what they named. At all! Once they said it, my pattern of self-centerdness was clearly staring me in the face. I felt extremely embarrassed and incredibly icky. I probably cried (making it all about me again!).
I donāt have children or others in my home, so currently my relationship with Frederic is the biggest place where I confront the aspects of myself of which Iām not always aware. Iām not going to write too much about this here except to say this week Frederic pointed out a pattern I have for āintellectual bullying.ā I took issue with that term and insisted the pattern of āknow it all-nessā I have previously identified and named (including in my book!) was the same thing. Until he broke down very clearly how itās not. It stung. It was humbling. Iām better for the clarity. And this helped: My patterns are NOT my fault. My patterns ARE my responsibility.
I donāt want to make this seem overly arduous (though sometimes it does feel overwhelmingly arduous š). Thereās so much pressure to āworkā on ourselves. I know ā MORE work?!? WTAF? UGH! But pattern plotting has led to more joy, more freedom. When I make a clear intention to transform my patterns into possibilities, this allows aspects of myself I normally avoid to guide me to treasures.Ā
My people-pleasing reveals a skill for attuning to others that allows me to be a good friend and ally. My self-centerdness is kin to a capacity for deep self investigation and this helps me dive into challenging yet worthwhile practices and processes. My intellectual bullying is related to hard-earned wisdom which (with self-awareness) I can express without the taint of dominance.
I developed particular patterns based on my life experiences and these reveal the specific ways I made my way through lifeās challenges. Theyāre clues to my strengths and resiliencies. They are sacred maps to my gifts and talents. When I plot patterns, I am also reordering them. Pulling out the tangled shapes of the past and weaving a new, unique and exquisite design.
My envy of others who are writing and creating with wide reach and impact? It can inspire me to be brave and bright and bold in my own efforts ā then, this newsletter does not feel like mere work, it aligns me to my purpose.
May denial only be a river in Egypt.
Self Investigation Tools I Use (a small samplingā¦)
Numerology/Tarot (my teacher Anna is leading a workshop next weekend)