Yes, these are two separate audio links – one below, one above. You will continue to find my reading of new and full moon essays right before the opening “Hi friends” 👇🏾. New and full moon newsletters now also include a guided meditation at the very top of the email 👆🏾 — there is an archive of these meditations here. Enjoy!
Space is limited for Let It All Out! Cultivating Mourning Practices for Grief Release, a 3–week course exploring embodied and expressive practices for processing loss. Tuesdays 4/30, 5/7, 5/14 :: 6–8pm ET. Registration and more info here.
Registration is open for Make Sacred Space: Enchanting Time for Meditation • Intuition • Creativity, four Sundays of soulful time for creation and contemplation. Sundays in May, 7–8:15 pm ET. Registration and more info here.
Listen to me read this essay:
Hi friends
Thank you for joining me here! It’s the one year anniversary of me moving this newsletter to Substack. 🥳 I am incredibly grateful for your trust and support. You may remember that I made the switch in platforms last April, after a bout of sepsis (cancer stinks). I subsequently experienced two more hospitalizations for infections in the six months through October. I’m hoping not to jinx myself by noting that I have had zero hospitalizations in these past six months. [The same amount of time I’ve been off social media. Coincidence? 🤔]
How are you feeling?
I feel physically and emotionally better than I have in years. Granted I’ve had some, um, exceptionally chaotic circumstances since mid-2021 when in the space of one year I could barely walk for many months, my left lung collapsed, my left femur ball snapped, my marriage suddenly & dramatically fell apart, and my pelvis cracked. These days, it especially thrills me when I can be relatively pain free, walking in nature. Like Saturday, when I hiked for two hours with friends in unseasonably chilly SoCal. Though my radiation + cancer damaged lungs required many breaks, I was determined we finish the entire loop. Which we did, and vistas of white-capped peaks and frost-dusted valleys rewarded us at the top. Throughout the weekend, the mountain town and trails were filled with Californians snapping photos of snow: snowfall, snowmen, snow on the ground, snow in the trees, snowball fights… Their excitement was hilarious to me. And adorable. It reminded me to appreciate our capacity for wonder (in this case, pure delight in what Aaron called “frozen air”).
Yes, my body feels well. And, last week, I received blood work counts higher than I’ve ever seen them. I didn’t even know they could go that high. Sitting on my bed at home, I checked for the results on my hospital’s app. I assumed the numbers might stay the same. I not-so-secretly hoped they had dropped, even though I’d only recently started new medication. When I saw the line graph had risen yet again, I asked aloud, “What the fuck?!” Then, I literally shrugged my shoulders and moved on with packing for this trip.
It’s strange to feel incredibly well and have clinical data keep telling you differently. Currently, I feel unbothered by these reports. Next month, I may feel bothered. I recognize the choice I have to trust what I feel. To simply be completely present to my authentic response to whatever is happening. Simple, not easy. There are moments when I sense the pull to get disoriented by this (and other) realities. Either to become distraught (lost in waves of emotions) or to disconnect (numbed with diversions). I don’t shame myself for those pulls. I do question them. I remind myself to investigate what is a feeling arising in response to the moment and what is a confusion fueled by my stories. Bringing awareness inwardly, even for a few seconds, usually provides the time I need to know the difference. Often, when I am caught in distress loops, I’m deep in the familiar story, “This should not be happening.” That’s when I know I’m in contention with life. But this is happening. I don’t have to like this. And I can allow my feelings about it. As Pema Chödrön said, Feel the feelings, drop the stories. As Audre Lorde said, I feel, therefore I can be free.
To me, this is spiritual maturity: not waiting for the chaos to subside (internally or externally, personally or collectively) to be present, to fully feel whatever arrives in any moment and allow it all – including awe. To sense my hip flexors getting stronger, to acknowledge my awkward but sincere friendliness toward other hikers, to watch a hawk circling high above, to notice the difference in capacity between my right and left lungs (and the sadness that elicits), to delight in snow. To feel free.
That night, after the hike, we bundled up and ventured outside, giving time for our eyes to adjust to a (seemingly) moonless sky, bright with stars. Soon, more and more points became visible. Stars in every direction. I imagined how the Earth spins, embedded within this vastness. There’s so much happening on our little planet. All the destruction and the distractions. Also, snow.
I do long to stay engaged. To offer service from my infinitesimally small spot in this colossal cosmic connection. In some moments, my most profound & most mature offering may be to stand in the middle of an empty road, sense the immense network of darkness and light enveloping all, and whisper a prayer for each of us to feel free.
With love,
Sebene
Some related posts…
LET IT ALL OUT!
CULTIVATING MOURNING PRACTICES FOR GRIEF RELEASE
Tuesdays, April 30, May 7 & 14 :: 6–8pm EST
Grief and mourning are often incorrectly considered synonymous. But grief is what we feel when confronted with loss. Mourning is how we process those feelings. Every traditional culture honors grief as a threshold, not an indefinite state. Over these 3 weeks, we will explore both current and traditional relationships to grief & mourning and cultivate embodied and expressive practices for processing loss.
SPACE IS LIMITED. SLIDING SCALE AVAILABLE.
I now cap the size of my three and four-week courses to 30 people max. I have set a sliding scale so those who are able to pay more can help balance the lower end. See here for payment options and to learn more about the course.
There are a few pay-what-you-can scholarships spots available. Please email connect@sebeneselassie.com — first come basis.
Make Sacred Space:
Enchanting Time for Meditation • Intuition • Creation
A Soulful Start to Your Week * 30 minutes of guided meditation * 10 minutes of journaling prompts * 30 minutes of open space for dreaming & doing :: Four Sundays in May, 7–8:15 pm EST
Many of us long to bring more sacredness into our lives. But we rarely make space to do so. Come spend four Sundays cultivating enchanted time for contemplation and creativity.
Next month, I’ll be back at Omega Institute with my friends Jeff & Dan for Meditation Party.
Or join me in June for The Greatest Love of All with the dream team: Dawn, Kate and La. And in October I will be back for an encore with Dan & Jeff. Scholarships are available for all three programs.
🌑 Spiritual Maturity Amidst Chaos