Why, yes, those are two separate audio links – one below, one above. My reading of the essay is right before the opening “Hi friends”👇🏾. And that’s a guided meditation at the very top of the email 👆🏾 (here’s an archive of meditations).
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Listen to me read this essay:
Hi friends,
Thank you for giving your precious awareness to my words. I know there’s a lot pulling on each one of us, many constant demands for our attention — both challenging things and good things. I appreciate your presence here.
No, this is not the promised post about my recent Black lady retreat. The more I explore (I’m currently reading about racial legacies in Jungian thought), the more I realize I am meant to seriously-spiritually writey-write about race & gender. 🤔📚💡 I definitely will be sharing more. Very soon. But I lied about trying to summarize that recent week for you, except to say this: I wish every single one of us could experience (and understand) the profound beauty and love of being on retreat with 100 Black women. Stay tuned…
At this moment, I’m stretched a little thin energetically, so I’m not sending something entirely new today. Instead, I’ve revised an essay I wrote many years ago about inner critics. Anyway, it will be new to 95% of you. Regardless, I always send you the things I myself need to hear (again). Right now, I am remembering how to relate to the critical voices within me because, all this past week, my inner nags have been especially active. I usually have many voices running in my head, positive and negative. Even with the critical voices, none of them are inherently bad (though some are quite annoying).
Often, when I am on retreat, there's one critic that goes on and on about what a bad meditator I am, how I have terrible concentration, and how all my insights are shallow. This script inevitably leads me to greater striving. The striving leads to frustration (because, go figure, ease and freedom don't come from grasping). In my frustration, the critic starts all over again about me failing at meditation. This critic is wrapped up in productivity and perfectionism. He's a jerk. But even he started out wanting to help me be better — not understanding there was nothing wrong with me to begin with. My inner critics hold me to impossible standards. I have learned not to encourage them, not to believe them, and, here's the trick, not to hate them (that one's hard, see jerk comment above).
Inner critics develop in us initially as survival strategies, monitoring and prescribing behavior that help us to stay safe, get love, and find some measure of well-being. Growing up, I problematized any strong emotions within me because I was continuously criticized for having them. My role was to balance the family dynamics by not communicating any intense needs. Therefore, my inner critics kept my anger and upset in check in an attempt to calm the domestic upheavel around me. I was admired and rewarded for always being placid. Of course, this strategy is no longer useful — now it just leads to bottled up feelings and boiled-over resentment. Currently, no one is telling me not to voice my emotions (and, if they do, I can kindly tell them to go screw themselves). As an adult, I had to learn (still learning) how to skillfully express what felt inexpressible. Otherwise, this inner critic will continue to haunt me with phantom wounds from the past.
But judging voices don't only develop from our home environments, they also demand we conform to society's prescriptions. For years, I've been followed around stores by security (yes, it still happens). In my thirties, I was chased out of a health food store by an owner accusing me of shoplifting (I dumped my bag out on the sidewalk in a fit of rage in response). Recently, I’ve experienced multiple instances where I am entirely ignored in favor of the white (or non-Black) person I’m with. I am able to mostly disregard the microagressions I regularly experience. But growing up, my inner critics created a code of behavior for dominant/white public spaces that still often impacts my authentic expression. If you know you’re being surveilled but also slighted, how can it not affect how you move through the world?
Many years ago, I followed the advice of a teacher and gave my inner critics names. I wanted ones that exemplified the cultural conditioning I received both at home with family and out in the world. Names that encompassed this saying from Krishnamurti: You think you are thinking your thoughts, you are not; you are thinking the culture's thoughts.
So, I'd like to introduce you to my inner critics: Chikko and the Man (millennials and younger, google Chico and the Man).
Chikko is an Amharic word that can be translated as a nagging or persistent person — the consonants are glottalized (explosive) which makes it sound that much better. When I was little, my mom would lovingly use it when I asked a question too many times or repeated something over and over — anchi chikko (you nag).
Chikko, my inner critic, sounds like me, which means she can be logical and erudite, funny and charming. She presents good arguments and has little tricks for getting me to listen to her. Often she seems to be protecting me from potential danger or disappointment. She "just wants me to have a fruitful retreat."
The Man? He's often writing the scripts that Chikko reads because it's his culture I/we swim in. As the great psychiatrist–philosopher Frantz Fanon said, To speak a language is to take on a world, a culture. We are shaped by the society around us and it shows up in, well, how we show up (parce que, le colonialisme). It can be really difficult to determine what's our own intention, and what's the cultural script. Am I doing something because I have an innate longing or because I crave the attention and validation taught to me by our competitive culture?
As I alluded, this can show up in my meditation practice in the form of striving or trying to get somewhere. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult for me to untangle my aspirations and motivations from our larger culture of comparison and competition. Then, in the name of spiritual development, I beat myself up for my lack of achievements. This makes getting clear on my intentions really important — for my practice and for my life. I constantly remind myself that I practice and live not just for myself, but so I can show up more fully for my writing & teaching. Like many of you, I dedicate my practice to the benefit of all beings everywhere without exception.
This is just the beginning. The process of untangling ourselves from our inner critics is, well, a process. Noticing them is the first step. Understanding — not hating — them is good. Naming them can help. Mine have been around for a long time. As much as I try to hit mute, interrupt the broadcast, cancel the show... they're still on the air.
With love,
Sebene
P.S. There are two last quarter moons in May, so you won’t hear from me again until June 6th’s new moon in gemini… xox
If we can't prioritize love for ourselves, how can we manifest love for our family, friends, communities, nature, and the Earth itself? Come join this dream team next month to explore self-love for personal and collective liberation. The Greatest Love of All at Omega, June 21–23.
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🌕 My Inner Critics: Chikko and the Man