Why, yes, those are two separate audio links – one below, one above. My reading of the essay is right before the opening “Hi friends”👇🏾. And that’s a guided meditation at the very top of the email 👆🏾 (here’s an archive of meditations).
Listen to me read this essay:
Hi friends
Welcome to all the new subscribers, and thank you for joining these moonly missives right in time for the apocalypse… Oh my goddess, juat is happening right now!?!
How is everyone doing? I certainly do not need to itemize all the current nuttiness, and did you see that a meteor streaked over Manhattan (and no one even blinked)? I hope you’re able to ground and find ways to recharge for whatever may be coming next. 😬
As I mentioned here before, everyone and their millenial mama is doing Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. I’ve recently restarted the 12-week program with a few college friends for my second round in a row. [At first we were going to follow her latest book, not realizing it’s doo-doo. We abandoned it and returned to the original. Apparently there’s an entire industry of Artist’s Way schlock that should definitely be avoided.] Besides my little ragtag crew, I personally know multiple people tending to their “creative recovery” in this way. I witness many others online. We’re all mostly scribbling away at morning pages — the primary way Cameron teaches us to engage the divine creative force. Perhaps we’re supercharging our artistic training because in this moment it’s easy to envision a need for hand-made everything if the computers do completely fritz. Or, since Cameron’s O.G. program is basically boot camp for channeling directly from the divine, maybe we’re using it to hyper-prep our psychic powers as backup for when the networks finally collapse. Or, at least, we can apply her curriculum to writing ourselves out of this disaster narrative.
The other day, I was talking with my friend Noah about Cameron’s conception of what she sometimes labels God. We both experience her idea of the creator as lacking. I don’t doubt her own connection. Not at all. She seems totally plugged in. Also, I’ve benefited greatly from her instructions on how to continually align with this vital energy — again, especially through the morning pages. Starting the day writing with an intention and attention to the divine has provided me the space and process to consistently attune to more than my own sensory experiences, to ask questions and await answers from something outside my own mind. What I miss in her model is any map that links the individual artist with worlds beyond their personal creations. Her description of this great mystery feels solipsistic. Not that I expect or need Cameron to be a spiritual philosopher as well as our greatest modern creativity guru. Julia, you’ve given us enough with your first book alone. It’s helped literally millions of people. Please, enough already. Also, talk to Joe.
In fact, I’ve stopped relying on anyone else’s way to god/the creator/great mystery to be anything more than that – their own path. I no longer wish to look outside myself for spiritual direction. Not that I have a perfectly clear one yet myself. Nonetheless, I’m no longer trailing others in cycles of an “”Are you my mother?/Are you there God?” mashup. For years, I mimicked others’ routes to the divine. Often, I did find methods that seemed powerful. Sometimes I felt a momentum I interpreted as my own channel to the sacred. Eventually, I realized the force I felt was simply me drafting off someone else’s connection.
What I actually “need” is to continue discovering divinity for myself instead of drafting divinity from others. My personal path is exactly that – personal. My way is unique and profound. Emphasis on both unique and profound.
The other day, I met my new oncologist. Over the past nineteen years, I have had probably a dozen cancer doctors. Most were not impressive. My last one has been my favorite so far. Initially, when her nurse told me she was leaving, I was distraught and immediately began a plan to stalk her to the next hospital. After I hung up with the nurse, I looked at my tattoo which I put there for situations exaclty like this. Once I received that reminder to “trust life,” I decided to be curious about what may come next. As I describe in You Belong, reactive and creative are really the same word… the “c” just moves. In my book, I said it stands for curiosity. It could also be the curriculum.
It took me a while to find my new oncologist. She’s fine. She said some annoying things. Not the worst I’ve ever heard, though we did have this exchange when she was taking down my personal details.
Doc: Do you have any pets?
Me: No, my dog died in 2020. I’m not quite ready, but I’ve been thinking about getting a dog again.
Doc: Well, you have metastatic cancer, so you know you may die. It’s probably not a good idea to get a dog.
Me: Um, I could get a dog and get hit by a bus tomorrow.
Doc: Oh, well, I guess that’s a good point.
What I wanted to say was, Lady, you could get a dog and get hit by a bus tomorrow! Also, no shit Sherlock, thanks for the intel on my status. Yeah, I’ve had metastatic cancer for 15 fucking years and I’m still here. Explain that and tell me again I may die. YOU may die!
I did not say that.
I do find doctors generally annoying. Especially cancer doctors. Most of them are super-nerds with way too much power over people’s sense of their mortality. And I imagine they have a lot of trauma. How could they not? (I’ve also had some great doctors.)
I was talking to my friend Dan earlier this week and he told me about Harvard psychology professor Ellen Langer. She’s considered the “mother of positive psychology” and of mindfulness (not the meditative kind). Langer is a pioneer in mind-body medicine theory. She conducted the Counterclockwise Study in 1979. In it, elderly men were temporarily placed in a setting that faithfully recreated their past through decor and expectations. Their health improved remarkably — they even looked younger. Langer continues to show the power of our minds. Maybe she should talk to my new oncologist.
My last oncologist would never had said anything about me dying before a hypothetical dog. She always asked how I was and actually listened carefully to my answer — only then did she attend to the data. For her, how I felt was just as important as anything else. She’s one of the only doctors who acknowledged that something else must be going on with me. Something inexplicable through data alone. Maybe something divine (my word). She said to me, “I don’t know what you’re doing but keep doing it.”
This new oncologist kept assuming I must not be feeling well because my data is so bad. I had to remind and correct her that I have no pain and no symptoms. But she did offer things my last doctor did not. She very slowly and methodically went through all aspects of my blood work and scans. She checked in to make sure I understood every explanation she offered. Then she showed me the animations of my last couple of PET and CT Scans.
As I’ve shared with you, my blood work numbers have been truly horrible this past year. Going up and up and up. I’ve read all the corresponding scan reports and I’d seen the still images. However, I’d never seen them animated. On her monitor, she showed me an image of my skeleton lit up, flashing like a Christmas tree. It was wild! Really kind of beautiful (if all those pretty lights weren’t cancer). I was fascinated and thought (and keep thinking now): How can I feel so good if my scans look like that?
But, she was not curious. Though, she wasn’t alarmist either. I intentionally chose an older doctor because I wanted someone who’s dealt with a lot of death already. And she seems patient, even wise (despite the dog dumbness). And that’s enough for me for now.
I’m not looking to draft off anyone these days. Not doctors. Not teachers. Nor art gurus. Not for a sense of possibility nor wonder nor creativity. I’m discovering the divine in myself. Feeling God in my bones.
With love,
Sebene
P.S. My friend Anu Gupta has a powerful, groundbreaking new book called Breaking Bias coming out in September — it’s a comprehensive guide on how to dismantle unconscious conditioning. As part of the launch, Anu and his team have created the Breaking Bias Summit. I recorded a session for it with my friend Dan Harris that posts Tuesday — you can sign up for it here. The summit is already in progress and free by week, or for a fee for lifetime access.
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