Why, yes, those are two separate audio links ā one below, one above. My reading of the essay is right before the opening āHi friendsāšš¾. And thatās a guided meditation at the very top of the email šš¾ (hereās an archive of meditations).
Listen to me read this essay:
Hi friends
Welcome to all the new subscribers, and thank you for joining these moonly missives right in time for the apocalypseā¦ Oh my goddess, juat is happening right now!?!
How is everyone doing? I certainly do not need to itemize all the current nuttiness, and did you see that a meteor streaked over Manhattan (and no one even blinked)? I hope youāre able to ground and find ways to recharge for whatever may be coming next. š¬
As I mentioned here before, everyone and their millenial mama is doing Julia Cameronās The Artistās Way. Iāve recently restarted the 12-week program with a few college friends for my second round in a row. [At first we were going to follow her latest book, not realizing itās doo-doo. We abandoned it and returned to the original. Apparently thereās an entire industry of Artistās Way schlock that should definitely be avoided.] Besides my little ragtag crew, I personally know multiple people tending to their ācreative recoveryā in this way. I witness many others online. Weāre all mostly scribbling away at morning pages ā the primary way Cameron teaches us to engage the divine creative force. Perhaps weāre supercharging our artistic training because in this moment itās easy to envision a need for hand-made everything if the computers do completely fritz. Or, since Cameronās O.G. program is basically boot camp for channeling directly from the divine, maybe weāre using it to hyper-prep our psychic powers as backup for when the networks finally collapse. Or, at least, we can apply her curriculum to writing ourselves out of this disaster narrative.
The other day, I was talking with my friend Noah about Cameronās conception of what she sometimes labels God. We both experience her idea of the creator as lacking. I donāt doubt her own connection. Not at all. She seems totally plugged in. Also, Iāve benefited greatly from her instructions on how to continually align with this vital energy ā again, especially through the morning pages. Starting the day writing with an intention and attention to the divine has provided me the space and process to consistently attune to more than my own sensory experiences, to ask questions and await answers from something outside my own mind. What I miss in her model is any map that links the individual artist with worlds beyond their personal creations. Her description of this great mystery feels solipsistic. Not that I expect or need Cameron to be a spiritual philosopher as well as our greatest modern creativity guru. Julia, youāve given us enough with your first book alone. Itās helped literally millions of people. Please, enough already. Also, talk to Joe.
In fact, Iāve stopped relying on anyone elseās way to god/the creator/great mystery to be anything more than that ā their own path. I no longer wish to look outside myself for spiritual direction. Not that I have a perfectly clear one yet myself. Nonetheless, Iām no longer trailing others in cycles of an āāAre you my mother?/Are you there God?ā mashup. For years, I mimicked othersā routes to the divine. Often, I did find methods that seemed powerful. Sometimes I felt a momentum I interpreted as my own channel to the sacred. Eventually, I realized the force I felt was simply me drafting off someone elseās connection.
What I actually āneedā is to continue discovering divinity for myself instead of drafting divinity from others. My personal path is exactly that ā personal. My way is unique and profound. Emphasis on both unique and profound.
The other day, I met my new oncologist. Over the past nineteen years, I have had probably a dozen cancer doctors. Most were not impressive. My last one has been my favorite so far. Initially, when her nurse told me she was leaving, I was distraught and immediately began a plan to stalk her to the next hospital. After I hung up with the nurse, I looked at my tattoo which I put there for situations exaclty like this. Once I received that reminder to ātrust life,ā I decided to be curious about what may come next. As I describe in You Belong, reactive and creative are really the same wordā¦ the ācā just moves. In my book, I said it stands for curiosity. It could also be the curriculum.
It took me a while to find my new oncologist. Sheās fine. She said some annoying things. Not the worst Iāve ever heard, though we did have this exchange when she was taking down my personal details.
Doc: Do you have any pets?
Me: No, my dog died in 2020. Iām not quite ready, but Iāve been thinking about getting a dog again.
Doc: Well, you have metastatic cancer, so you know you may die. Itās probably not a good idea to get a dog.
Me: Um, I could get a dog and get hit by a bus tomorrow.
Doc: Oh, well, I guess thatās a good point.
What I wanted to say was, Lady, you could get a dog and get hit by a bus tomorrow! Also, no shit Sherlock, thanks for the intel on my status. Yeah, Iāve had metastatic cancer for 15 fucking years and Iām still here. Explain that and tell me again I may die. YOU may die!
I did not say that.
I do find doctors generally annoying. Especially cancer doctors. Most of them are super-nerds with way too much power over peopleās sense of their mortality. And I imagine they have a lot of trauma. How could they not? (Iāve also had some great doctors.)
I was talking to my friend Dan earlier this week and he told me about Harvard psychology professor Ellen Langer. Sheās considered the āmother of positive psychologyā and of mindfulness (not the meditative kind). Langer is a pioneer in mind-body medicine theory. She conducted the Counterclockwise Study in 1979. In it, elderly men were temporarily placed in a setting that faithfully recreated their past through decor and expectations. Their health improved remarkably ā they even looked younger. Langer continues to show the power of our minds. Maybe she should talk to my new oncologist.
My last oncologist would never had said anything about me dying before a hypothetical dog. She always asked how I was and actually listened carefully to my answer ā only then did she attend to the data. For her, how I felt was just as important as anything else. Sheās one of the only doctors who acknowledged that something else must be going on with me. Something inexplicable through data alone. Maybe something divine (my word). She said to me, āI donāt know what youāre doing but keep doing it.ā
This new oncologist kept assuming I must not be feeling well because my data is so bad. I had to remind and correct her that I have no pain and no symptoms. But she did offer things my last doctor did not. She very slowly and methodically went through all aspects of my blood work and scans. She checked in to make sure I understood every explanation she offered. Then she showed me the animations of my last couple of PET and CT Scans.
As Iāve shared with you, my blood work numbers have been truly horrible this past year. Going up and up and up. Iāve read all the corresponding scan reports and Iād seen the still images. However, Iād never seen them animated. On her monitor, she showed me an image of my skeleton lit up, flashing like a Christmas tree. It was wild! Really kind of beautiful (if all those pretty lights werenāt cancer). I was fascinated and thought (and keep thinking now): How can I feel so good if my scans look like that?
But, she was not curious. Though, she wasnāt alarmist either. I intentionally chose an older doctor because I wanted someone whoās dealt with a lot of death already. And she seems patient, even wise (despite the dog dumbness). And thatās enough for me for now.
Iām not looking to draft off anyone these days. Not doctors. Not teachers. Nor art gurus. Not for a sense of possibility nor wonder nor creativity. Iām discovering the divine in myself. Feeling God in my bones.
With love,
Sebene
P.S. My friend Anu Gupta has a powerful, groundbreaking new book called Breaking Bias coming out in September ā itās a comprehensive guide on how to dismantle unconscious conditioning. As part of the launch, Anu and his team have created the Breaking Bias Summit. I recorded a session for it with my friend Dan Harris that posts Tuesday ā you can sign up for it here. The summit is already in progress and free by week, or for a fee for lifetime access.
