I have had to stop talking to my mother too, but the longest was for about a month. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive. She really didn't like anybody, I realized years later! But I think in general it is not a great idea to cut off contact with family. I have a friend who recently cut off her dad. She was not very specific about why. I'm sure this is enormously painful for her dad. I know him pretty well, and he doesn't seem to be a monster. She seems to regret having cut him out of her life, but she doesn't know how to repair the relationship now. I think the best thing is just to minimize contact with the people who treat you badly, but don't formally cut them off.
I have also found that in my family, you can't expect anybody else to listen to your issues with the abusive family member, much less "take your side" even in private. The abuser usually has so much power and inspires so much fear that everybody is afraid of them. If you are the scapegoat, they don't want to become the scapegoat instead. It's a sad situation where everybody is just trying to survive. It's not just immigrants who have a code of silence around abuse. I think it's almost universal (except for memoirists).
The people I know who have written about their family abuser while the abuser was still living, and sometimes even after he died, have faced some serious blowback. It's not something to do lightly if you intend to publish.
Jul 3, 2023·edited Jul 3, 2023Liked by Sebene Selassie
I may have been the one who asked about dealing with an adult bully. I consider her to be an abuser: she habitually denigrates me and tries to humiliate me. Most recently, she told me at a family gathering that there was no bedroom in which I could sleep. I ended up sleeping in a dirty, abandoned den with cockroaches and spiders. It would have been possible for me to have a regular room if we had doubled up a little. There were empty beds. This is the second time she has "banished" me to the least desirable part of the house. IT happened at Christmas too. She also suddenly flies into rages and yells at me and at my dad's caregiver, but not at anybody else.
The other people in the family are so afraid of this sister that they won't even respond when I try to talk with them about her behavior.
I use the word "bullying" to mean abuse, I guess. It is so much like the stuff that kids do to each other that it just seems more direct to call it bullying. The people that do it are clearly disordered. I think my sister is narcissistic and possibly sadistic. I can avoid her sometimes, but the only way to avoid her permanently would be to never go to family gatherings. I want to see my son and my grand-daughter, and my other sister.
Hi Shannon, thank you for the original question and for sharing here. I hope you're seeking and finding professional support for these dynamics. I'm sending you lots of love and healing blessings. xox 💗 💗 💗 💗
how heartfelt and hearthurt…sigh
Thank you Paul. And, yes. xox
Thank you. Just. Thank you.
💗 💗
Well said Paul M.
I have had to stop talking to my mother too, but the longest was for about a month. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive. She really didn't like anybody, I realized years later! But I think in general it is not a great idea to cut off contact with family. I have a friend who recently cut off her dad. She was not very specific about why. I'm sure this is enormously painful for her dad. I know him pretty well, and he doesn't seem to be a monster. She seems to regret having cut him out of her life, but she doesn't know how to repair the relationship now. I think the best thing is just to minimize contact with the people who treat you badly, but don't formally cut them off.
I have also found that in my family, you can't expect anybody else to listen to your issues with the abusive family member, much less "take your side" even in private. The abuser usually has so much power and inspires so much fear that everybody is afraid of them. If you are the scapegoat, they don't want to become the scapegoat instead. It's a sad situation where everybody is just trying to survive. It's not just immigrants who have a code of silence around abuse. I think it's almost universal (except for memoirists).
The people I know who have written about their family abuser while the abuser was still living, and sometimes even after he died, have faced some serious blowback. It's not something to do lightly if you intend to publish.
I may have been the one who asked about dealing with an adult bully. I consider her to be an abuser: she habitually denigrates me and tries to humiliate me. Most recently, she told me at a family gathering that there was no bedroom in which I could sleep. I ended up sleeping in a dirty, abandoned den with cockroaches and spiders. It would have been possible for me to have a regular room if we had doubled up a little. There were empty beds. This is the second time she has "banished" me to the least desirable part of the house. IT happened at Christmas too. She also suddenly flies into rages and yells at me and at my dad's caregiver, but not at anybody else.
The other people in the family are so afraid of this sister that they won't even respond when I try to talk with them about her behavior.
I use the word "bullying" to mean abuse, I guess. It is so much like the stuff that kids do to each other that it just seems more direct to call it bullying. The people that do it are clearly disordered. I think my sister is narcissistic and possibly sadistic. I can avoid her sometimes, but the only way to avoid her permanently would be to never go to family gatherings. I want to see my son and my grand-daughter, and my other sister.
Hi Shannon, thank you for the original question and for sharing here. I hope you're seeking and finding professional support for these dynamics. I'm sending you lots of love and healing blessings. xox 💗 💗 💗 💗